Friday, May 8, 2009

Another One Bites the dust

Another One Bites the Dust

Tales from a Single Girl

Perfect to descriptions of my dating life.  What there is of it anyway.  Sad to be 33 and not have a clue as to how to find Mr. Right.  I’ve had Mr. Right Now and it was fun for a while but then it gets old, sometimes quicker than others.  The stories I have....the laughs, tears and picking of toe nails.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.  I’m not that creative.

Let’s  take a look back.....

Some dates I’ve completely blocked from my mind for sanity purposes.  I should note that names have been changed.  Sorry ladies I can’t warn you ahead to time not to date these unique individuals.  This may also be to graphic for the faint of heart.  Ok, that is stretching it but seriously I’ve gone out with some gross ones.  These are in not particular order just random stories.  I do realize the common factor is me in all of these stories and I have taken this fact into consideration, yet I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not me....

Victim  1 also known as Toe Nail.

I’m starting off with a good one.  Now let me say, I’m the one that ended it, therefore it was a dusting I chose but it’s too good to not share.

I took my mom’s advise and emailed a guy that a placed a Valentine on the local radio station.  She had heard him and thought I should email him.  I figured why not??  So I emailed him and we emailed each other, exchanged photos.  The picture he sent should have been my first clue.  It was from his 30th Birthday party and he had an Elvis cake.  Now, I’m not bad mouthing the King of Rock n’ Roll but he’s 30! How long has Elvis been gone.  It’s not like he was even alive when Elvis was big.  Again, nothing against Elvis.  I promise.  Did that stop me, NO.  I gave him my phone # and we talked.  The conversation dragged but I just kept talking trying to fill in any and all dead air.  Our first date was dinner, which was fine.  Nothing to brag about but I thought it was me so I’d give it another shot.  Date # 2:  He didn’t even ask me he sent me a text message and it was a double date.  Yes, you read correct, 2nd date was a double date.  So he picks me up and there in the back seat of the car is another couple.  I wondered if they both rode in the back seat the whole way there??  I still don’t know the answer....I’m good though... So we go to dinner and the guy starts quizzing me on how we met.  I was 10 shades of red.  I didn’t like being put on the spot.  I didn’t know this guy nor his wife and he’s giving me the 3rd degree.  We then went and played Putt-Putt.  I don’t know for sure but I think I won.  Since I’m telling the story, I won.  Nothing exciting about this date either.  I was going on vacation soon after and I didn’t even want to call him while I was gone.  I was so over it.  When I got back he wanted to cook me dinner.  You should know that his “job” was to stay in a home for mentally challenged adults at night, so he had moved in. Personally, I didn't like his view of his charges.  He referred to them as "those people".  Yes, I went to dinner.  As I’m sitting at the table one of the men that live there came in and asked was I staying the night?  Huh?  At first I thought they were going to be joining us for dinner but they are on a special diet so they had already eaten.  Diner wasn’t that memorable.  I don’t even remember what he cooked.  After dinner we went and sat in a small living room to look at my vacation pictures.  As we are looking at pictures I kept hearing this noise and to my dismay and disgust he discards a TOE NAIL on the coffee table.  I was shocked, stunned, grossed out, and most important speechless.  I recovered to tell him that I could have gone the entire night without seeing that.  his response  “it’s just a toe nail”  my response  “exactly”.  I excused myself to the bathroom and pulled it together.  When I came out I told him I need to go.  It’s a good thing he didn’t try to kiss me cause i would have had to shut him down.  he had his own door outside in his room and when I saw his room it only confirmed the decision I had already made before the toe nail hit the table.  How old would you think someone is when you see a jungle themed bed spread stuff monkey included and superman crap everywhere else?  I’d say the oldest would be 10, not 30.

This was the date that shocked and brought great laughter to my friends.  It has even been shared by others to make their dates not sound so bad.  Needless to say since he could ask me out via text message I ended it via text message.  For the longest time I was still on his email list.  Ugh!  I was able to get out of that eventually...

I can't unleash them all at once.  I don't want my tragedies to cause an injury from laughter..



No comments: